all of this

i'm sitting in the front window of the qdoba's in cambridge, across from harvard's campus. i've sat through two different shifts of homeless people and witnessed two people give this one guy pizza in the span of 30 minutes or so. that actually makes me very hopeful but also guilty because i never feel the need to give money or food to anyone.

i'm always passing by, avoiding eye contact, and getting on my way. the vast majority of passerby to these people do the same.

why are we like this? why do we have such negative preconceptions of what people who we deem "lesser" than us will do with the spare change we give them?

i'm not gonna try and say "oh well, i once gave a dollar to a guy" or "i always want to but my wallet's not in reach" or "i just don't have small enough bills".

my parents always said that they would just use the money on booze or drugs. don't talk to them. don't give them money. my dad once said "fuck you" to a crying woman on the street in Istanbul.

i'm waiting for tyler to get done with his shift at savenor's. from 12-8. hopefully he'll get out at 7:45 so i only need to sit in this fast food place for only another 45 minutes. is there a time limit for sitting here? i've also wanted to get a refill for the past hour but oh well.

i don't wanna blame it all on my birth control pills, but it's definitely been contributing something to my somewhat anxiety.

on monday and tuesday of this past week, i felt absolutely horrible. i wanted to cry starting in my anthro class, where the prof randomly called on a guy to answer a question on the reading (that i didn't do) and i started breathing really heavily (but quietly), terrified that he would call on me and berate me for not doing the reading. the rest of the day was terrible. i barely got any sleep because my roommates were up really late doing studying for bio. i found out my calc exam is on valentine's day at night and i can't even see tyler.

tuesday was no better. i really just wanted to cry at the most inconsequential things. i didn't smile the entire day. only the fake ones that we all do to be polite.

i wonder if it's unusual to not have any close friends in college. i know it's good to have people you can talk to when you're down, but i find it expends my energy so much to try and make friends. it's such a constant struggle. i like being by myself, doing my own thing, not worrying about making plans or hanging out. sure, i do that with tyler, but i love him so much and he completely understands. is this bad? i don't know at all.

i've also felt that i've changed so much since i've moved to brandeis. yet i'm still the same antisocial person that holds themselves higher than most people. why do i do this? my academic tastes and ambitions have changed a lot as well, in the sense that i have absolutely no idea what i want to do when i graduate. what will i do with whatever degree i end up getting.

i wanted to study art history when i came to college, but now i'm just not feeling that anymore. i think it's the people that study art history that i dislike so much, it makes me not want to study it anymore. funny how i told everyone that that was what i wanted to study forever. little did i know what a pretentious subject that is.

now i'm looking more towards classical studies especially! i'm taking a greek mythology course now and it's the best class i've taken this year. it's so interesting and i actually like doing the readings (when i'm focused ofc). it's also just so cool. i love mythology and the hooligans of that ancient time and who knows what kind of job that will land me, but at least i find that interesting to study.

i want to learn italian, ancient greek, maybe more anthro, and definitely major in linguistics because holy heck is that major easy. who knows. it's just that art history seems so distant from all this. i'm so sick of the pretentious describing of art, the personal views, all that stuff. not only do i think it's v annoying, i just think that it's super detrimental to the artwork. susan sontag's "on interpretation" rlly go to me lol. thanks uws, u were more helpful than i thought.

also today a random guy on the street said "i dig your whole ensemble" and it's just been ringing thru my head just how nice that was and how he felt the need to compliment me on my outfit just as i'm walking down the street with a probably very mean/unapproachable face on.

today i went to the fogg museum at harvard for my art hist class and unintentionally got my professor in trouble. he's a prof at harvard too and apparently told the ticket ladies that we were all harvard students so we got free tickets and because i came there late, i didn't get the memo!! woops!! so i accidentally told them we were all brandeis kids and she was like "ummm" and then told a coworker "so we have a professor that lied to us..." she gave me a ticket anyway, and i was all "yikes!!!" but she said it wasn't my fault at all. phew. but oh well. he's gotta deal with those consequences i guess.

what else what else what else

i wanna get a single next year because i cannot stand roommates. but it costs so much more and the chances of landing one of those is so so slim. my parents will probably be like "....ummm if ya wanna do that come up with the money to do that lol in addition to your health insurance"...... (hopefully im gonna be like "yo" to the finaid office "like i have no choice but to get health insurance bc we were covered by medicaid back home" and they'll give it to me pro bono. hopefully.

money is such a huge problem!! i have none! well i have like $400 or so but it's slowly slowly dwindling. i'm starting to sell more on etsy and depop and have gotten like $15 in a week which is chill. but i gotta start getting some more. that only covers my ticket fare on the T and also adding money to my whocard for laundry. but it's money so i shouldn't be complaining.

i'm finally going to leave this urban qdoba. i didn't even eat all my food bc i'm so full and also slightly need to use the bathroom but i wanna see tyler again and probably play samorost (i was so excited he played that as a kid bc it was such a distant thing i never would have remembered until he mentioned it last night. crazy world.)