avoidance

these past few days have been a whirlwind and now the crushing weight of reality is upon me (as usual).

i have so much i need to do yet i fail/refuse to acknowledge them.

i have a whole mental list of things to do. i know i have to do them. but why don't i?

the state debate tournament is tomorrow (today) at 8 am. it's now 2:36 am and i am fixing up one of my cases. why do i do this to myself? i have had so much time, yet i've wasted it.

(not to mention, you know, finishing the reading of huckleberry finn, completing an entire science fair project, a week's worth of french assignments (all due friday at 12am). all to do over this weekend.)

i hate how i do this so much. will i ever change? i know it feels amazing to get things done early and on time, yet that feeling alone is not what makes me finish things.

i can spend hours reading wikipedia articles on certain episodes of the x-files but i can't sit down and read a book. some nights i actually just sit on my bed and listen to music (lately it's been jamie t's kings & queens) and just stare at a wall and pick at my nails. i find more enjoyment in staring at a wall than i do in actually doing things.

i took some self-diagnostic quizzes while avoiding work and found that i may be at risk of having generalized anxiety disorder. i can be so restless, constantly worrying about things, never getting enough sleep. it's so hard to concentrate on homework, even if a teacher gives me the whole class period to work on a paper. i haven't had panic attacks (except for that one time in a gym class that was terrifying) though. sure, the validity of these online tests can always be questioned, but we'll see if my anxiety ever gets worse than it is now.

no song today. i'ts nearly 3 and i need to get things done. i really hope i do decent at debate tomorrow. i can only hope.